As some of you already know, we are expecting a special delivery this year at Christmastime! A new baby! We're very excited. Crazy excited.
How we knew:
I could smell my neighbors on the other side of our semi baking hot chocolatey fudgey brownies, except it turned out that they were just eating an regular old Easter Bunny from Shoppers Drug Mart, so I got suspicious that I could smell chocolate through a concrete wall and decided to investigate further.
How I feel:
I seem to have pulled the lucky straw, very little morning / noon / night sickness. At least nothing that can't be remedied by a can of hot steamy Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli and 10 hours of sleep a day.
How I look:
Like I've been eating too much Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli and its catching up to me.
My current positions on pregnancy and childbirth:
- I am still going to dye my hair. There is no clinical evidence to suggest it does anything but distract you from feeling fat and ugly.
- I'm taking a pre-natal vitamin and making every effort to eat more fruit and vegetables, but when I want something crappy I will have it.
- I'm not trying to win any awards by making it to five months in my regular clothes. Elastic waists ROCK. I'm not waiting until I have muffin top, camel toe and PCIB (Pants stuck in bum) to embrace a nice stretchy waist. In fact, I might have a hard time giving the stretch panel up and have plans to market it to a wider crowd of plus size and man-pants called the 'Six Pack Pants' (when you'd rather drink a six pack instead of have one) No more exposed hairy guts or plumber butt crack.
- I will respond to rude comments like "YOU'RE HUGE!" with an equally rude comment ('Wow, so is your mouth!")
- I hate people touching me and I will not hesitate to give anyone who tries to a good honk back. Close friends and family may be offered a narrow window of opportunity to maul me from time to time during which time I will stiffen and tolerate it without scratching or hissing.
- BRING ON THE DRUGS. Drug free childbirth sounds about as sane to me as novocaine free dentistry. Don't drug me Dr., I want to FEEL you scrape that nerve along with hearing and smelling the drill so I can get the total experience. As long as its safe for the baby, I will have my big juicy veins all ready for the big needle. I know myself in pain. I have been through several gallbladder attacks with unrelenting pain for 12 hours straight and I would have sold my poor little mother to get the morphine drip in faster.
- Immediate post partum support. I'm hiring a DOULA. Here's why. I would prefer that most of my friends and family assume that the stork brought the baby and underneath my clothes are smooth generic Barbie parts. There is alot of adjustment junk, partial nudity and gross personal issues to deal with before there is any hope of being comfortable or discreet. So I am thinking I'd like an impartial professional whose seen more pendulous bare boobs than the Pam Anderson fan club helping me with my latch than people who I love and have to sit across the dinner table from later and look in the eye. No CSI crime scene photos of the birth either.
That's all I know so far.
Next week we will be in Vegas and I have the Faith Hill song "Hey Baby lets go to Vegas" stuck in my head...
4 comments:
It's gonna be a great christmas :)
I'm with you on the hair-dying, and I also intend to eat soft cheese when the time comes. The list of things you're not supposed to eat is huge - how on earth does one go 9 months without eating BRIE???
Yay, for new babies!!!
Yep, I dyed my hair too. As for soft cheese...well, you know that story.
Thumbs up on the doula idea. That would've been awesome. Especially the post-partum doula. Help with the huffing and puffing - didn't need it. But help with the goddamn latch. Yes, I needed it. Every three hours for about three weeks.
I think your blog might be the most entertaining I've ever read. I hope you're keeping a hard copy for when HarperCollins comes knocking. I'm not kidding!
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