Sunday, August 24, 2008

The score so far....

When I was pregnant and my kid was neatly controlled by the womb, I had all kinds of opinions  about how things would work.  Ha.   Here's how the scoreboard looks so far.

The baby will sleep in its beautiful crib and not be allowed in the parental bed. 
Baby         | 230 nights
Mommy   |   20 nights

So, I never pegged myself as a co-sleeper.  I thought they were hippie parents who eat tofu and and headed for a kid who wedges themselves between mommy and daddy right up until the prom.  Turns out, some babies flip out really bad every time you attempt to place them on any surface that isn't a mommy or daddy.  So he slept with us.  Every night.  He slept on my chest until he got too heavy, then by my side.  Turns out you aren't doomed to 3 in the bed until he brings home his new girlfriend,  at 6 months we were rid of the bed bug, aside from the occasional bad night from teething or something like that.  

I will not submit to the cult of the Treehouse channel.
Mommy             |  Winner
Treehouse         | Loser!

My kid doesn't watch videos or TV.  He's seen kid tv before, and he's mildly interested in it, but not enough that I bother putting a DVD on for him or am willing to watch kid TV for his sake.

Maybe I'm just selfish because I don't want to watch it, but whatever it is, I'm just not opening the rat trap until I absolutely have to.  Right now he's WAY more interested in people doing everyday stuff, it could be flossing your teeth or folding laundry.  He'll sit and watch and study you like he's taking notes for the mothership.  He likes to sit on the porch and watch people walk by, especially the ones with kids or dogs.

The one thing he really liked to watch was Ultimate Fighting with Nanny in Cape Breton, which was on ALL of the time.  He came back beating his stuffed animals, which I'm pretty sure is not good, I feel bad for them.  The kid movies will come in time, he will ask for them and we will let him watch them.  In the meantime, he likes the fishy screen saver, watching Wipeout with me and he likes to watch Daddy play Q-bert on the PS3.

I will not rearrange my house, the kid will have to get used to it.
Baby       | 25
Mommy | 75

My kid started crawling last week and we are in a mad scramble to put plastic thingys in all the plugs and hide all the electrical cords pronto.  I also now lock the cabinet under the kitchen sink and looked for things he might pull himself up on and topple over.   He has a basket in the living room with his toys.  Now I'm at a crossroads....how far do I go?  

My current theory is don't want a clear runway for him to run around indoors.   I presently think its better to desensitize a kid so he doesn't go crazy the minute he's out of captivity.  I say current and present because who knows if I may still lose this battle later.  This may seem mean to anyone who has cleared their house of all hard surfaces so their toddler can stomp around the house freely, having loads of 'fun' dragging things out of cupboards and emptying shelves.  To that I say, Yay for you and your endless energy, I can barely get my regular housework done without adding to it, so I have no choice but to straightjacket my kid unless I want to live in a dump.  Plus, if he gets used to spreading out everywhere, what are a few cute Fisher Price people today will be his not so cute stinky socks and other items that should be in his room very soon.  Even as little as he is he knows what's his and what isn't his, because when I say 'NO' he won't waste any time grabbing it and shoving it in his mouth before I take away whatever juicy little tidbit he had in his jam hands, and he makes a run (crawl) for it and laughs.

I'll play cool music for him and not do all that nursery rhyme crap.
Baby         |  50
Parents    | 50

Kids pretty much gobble up anything that you read or sing to them, but when he was three months old, barely more than a blob, I took him to a 'playgroup' thing, just to get him weighed and he LOVED the stupid kid songs and all the actions.  Itsy Bitsy Spider,  Grand Old Duke of Kent, etc...  As all the other babies were being lovingly bounced and lifted into the air by their joiner mommies, he looked at me with his big baby eyeballs twinkling and was so into it that I felt like a big meanie, so I got down on the floor with all the other baby slaves and learned the stupid songs and all the actions and crap.   

Its come in handy because now if he is bored or being bad I can stop him in his tracks with a song.   I don't even have to yell "NO!".  I just belt out a little "Ba Ba Black Sheep" and I have his full attention - he loves it that much.   I have to admit its pretty cute when he goes to sleep practicing the Itsy Bitsy motions with his little muppet hands and babbling.   We 'balance it out' by exposing him to other music, like I play what I want in the car or and Andrew plays what he wants at home.  Daddy puts him to sleep with "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera, and I sing Out on the Mira or Hey Jude.  Kids love the Beatles.  Who doesn't?


Thursday, May 15, 2008

A few of my favorite things, Part Deux

Now that we're a few months into the parenting scene, a few items have emerged as our clear favorites.  Many are different from the previous favorite list.

Blanket: Hudson's Bay Company Wool trapper blanket
Now.  This is an awesome blanket.  He's never too hot or cold in it, its super lightweight so I don't worry about him suffocating in it.  We got this one as a gift from Andrew's
 aunt.  

I love it so much that I am anticipating the day when this one gets too small and everyone else wants one too,  so I have searched the globe to find a less costly alternative for when this one becomes too small.  MacAuslands Woolen Mills in PEI sells 'blanket ends', which are approximately crib sized, 36X60 unfinished wool strips that come in pretty much any color you can think of that you can add your own blanket stitch to.  From here on out this will be my standard baby gift to people.

Jogging Stroller cover:  Mountain buggy
Babies don't like sun in their eyes.  Or wind in their faces.  Or bugs.  This cover is basically a burka for your stroller.  Ain't nothin' gonna git your critter in this.  Sure it makes your stroller look like a geek and you look like a super obsessive over protective mother, but my kid will be bug / sunburn / windchap free.  And yours won't na nanana na.


Clothes: Baby Gap fits chunky kids best



Crib: Simplicity Ellis Natural Finish.
We spend alot of time leaning over the edge of the crib patting the baby and comforting him and thank goodness for the curved edge of this crib for that.  I am also forwarned by others that babies like to chew on cribs so nice white or dark stained ones look pretty beat up after they've been abused by a baby for a couple years. 

Oh shit. He's awake.








Saturday, May 3, 2008

Between a rock and a hard place....

...Is actually not that bad of a place to be.  We just recently were able to obliterate our debt after several years of carefulness.  That was the rock.  The hard place is the road ahead where we buy a house and again are the bank's bitch.  Right not the middle is actually pretty sweet.  Its a soft squishy place that is carefree and comfortable.  We get paid.  We pay rent and all that then keep the change.  

You would think it would spark a big spree of spending and shopping and lusting for material things that were out of our (easy) reach before.  Its actually seemed to do the opposite.  I have forgotten how to be decadent.  I've gone way too practical.  I threw caution to the wind and bought TWO bunches of tulips at Costco last week. Whoa.  Big spender. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The dryer is shrinking our stuff...aka in denial that we're fat.

Realizing that you're fat is kind of like being the last person to know you've been walking around with your skirt tucked into your pantyhose ...totally obvious to everyone except you until you finally feel the breeze on your ass.  Well seeing a photo of oneself with a double chin and an un-sucked in gut is a little like that breeze on your ass.  

Its not like you get fat overnight.  

It starts with putting on a few extra pounds and thinking maybe you shrunk your jeans in the dryer.   Then, you go shopping in the store you normally shop and assume they have outsourced to an Asian country with little skinny seamstresses and mucked with the sizing.   (or is that just me).  Then getting pregnant gives you license to not wear a waistband for a year or suck your gut in at all and it all goes to hell in a handbasket.  Then its "just a little baby weight".  At a certain point, its time to admit that there is no such thing as a "smallish" size 14.  

Now that I have seen photographic evidence of the damage, out come the little plates, the sneakers and salad for lunch. Dub-ya Squared, here I come.  (Weight Watchers)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Things I see in a whole new light now...

Now that I have a kid I have some respect for some very specific situations....

1. A mother who is on time.  
200 Bonus points if the kids are with her.  
500 Bonus points if they don't have sticky hands, one pig tail falling out and the socks match.

2. A really young mother at the mall with a little one sleeping in the stroller and a well behaved toddler trotting alongside.  I used to maybe judge a little (too young, trashy pants, etc).   I now realize that this is the motherly equivalent to witnessing a miracle or watching one of those 8 year old Asian sevante kids play an entire concerto.  What's even more amusing is when five minutes later you see another frazzled 30 something have it all pleading and reasoning with their savages to shut up in Baby Gap so they can pay $40 for a t-shirt and get out of there.  

3.  Anyone whose body cooperates and spits the kid out in less than 12 hours.  I spent 36 hours in labour and nearly had to be sawn in half to get my kid out - after I spent many nights reading granola birth guru Ina Mae and hiring a doula. I also spent years rationalizing being sturdy and big boned hoping it would come in handy during childbirth, and it ended up being totally useless.  Yet some teeny leetle 1/4 pound french canadienne in zee next bed barfs out her kid in in five hours, orders pizza and makes some work calls.  Not fair.

4.  People who can get filter their own emotion enough to make their kids do stuff for their own good.  I am a total softie suck pushover.   I am trying to be a little harder nosed to accomplish some basic goals.  Like showering.  Spending some alone time with my husband. Leaving the house for longer than 45 minutes alone....  My kid hardly cries. Probably because he logs more time attached to me than a baby monkey, he takes up prime real estate in the king sized bed with us, he eats on demand (clearly a baby doesn't get to be off the growth chart at 4 months by missing meals) and who needs Baby Einstein when Daddy will sit you on his lap and put the aquarium screensaver on the 27 inch flat panel monitor and play Seal on the 6.1 Surround Sound for you?  


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Cabin Fever...

I am so fucking sick of winter, snow, ice, cold, slush, coats, boots, hats, mitts, closed windows, long pants, socks, and leaving the house being requiring more prepwork than a 5 course dinner that I just might go postal.

That's it.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The view from maternity leave....

Alot of people have asked how maternity leave has been going so far.   Here's the scoop.

The first few months have been like a sick day that you really need to take, when you're actually sick and need to stay in bed, drink plenty of fluids and you're actua
lly not feeling or looking so great.  There is no chance you will be sneaking out with your friends that night, or enjoying some day time TV.  You're busy being sick.  
The first few months of mat leave have been kind of like that.  Busy being a Mommy, not exactly relaxing or filled with 'me time'.  I knew it would be work, but I thought I'd have a couple hours a day of peeking in on a slumbering infant while I puttered around, reading alot, sorting photo albums and catching up on organizing some drawers.  HA! 
My baby has other plans for me. 
He is incapable of sleeping on anything but a real live human who themselves is in a really uncomfortable position and needs to pee.  He also doesn't enjoy being put down, and by 'doesn't enjoy', I mean ear splitting screaming worthy of a housecall from social services, not a little infant mewling.  If I actually have time to read, its something like "Baby Whisperer" or "Contented Baby" or "Todays' Parent", not anything impractical or entertaining.

He also hates the car seat.  By hate, I mean he will scream until he foams at the 
mouth and you think he's going to choke.  So driving is a little tricky.  We bought a new carseat, I literally brought him into the store and put him in every single one until we found one he didn't instantly scream in and I didn't care how much it cost.  Sold.  He hates it 50% less than the old one.

Oh, and he won't take a bottle or a pacifier.  Not one, he won't even close his mouth with one near it.  I have pretty much every kind of pacifier on the market.  Nuby, Nuk Nuk, Soothie, even some weird 'kindersukken' (not real name) German one.  We also have 3 kinds of bottles on the go.  5 kinds of nipples.

On the up side, we figure he's smart and a man who knows what he likes and is willing to wait for it.    He's also devastatingly cute, so you can't even get mad at him for being picky and stubborn.

Just one look at this photo and you will see clear evidence of just how smug an infant can be when they have thus far been able to outwit, outlast and outplay the grownups at pretty much every challenge.

Magic Eraser...A deal with the devil that can wash sin away...

Every time we see Kriss Angel the magician on TV Andrew says he thinks that guy must have made a deal with the devil in order to do some of the crazy shit he does.  

That is how I feel about using the Magic Eraser cleaning sponge.  Have you tried these?  I can clean the toughest scuff marks off the walls, that dingiest soap scum crap in the tub, even the old crappy lino in our kitchen, in one swipe.  There is no trace of the dirt it has sucked up.  The Eraser just disintegrates.  With no smell.  Creepy.  

I go out of my way to try and use more natural products around home, but this one is like the triple cream blue cheese that you indulge in once or twice a year knowing full well its going to clog your arteries faster than eating pure butter.  Its just that good.

I wash my hands about 15 times after using it.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Out of 1000 kids, on a Saturday, in Costco, why is mine the only one crying...

Oh, he looks all cute and happy in the picture, but don't be fooled.  This child has a button on his back that sets off the crying mode when he is put down, in a crib, a carseat, in a stroller, in a swing, in a bouncy chair, basically anything except human arms causes him to freak out after five minutes.  The more expensive the recepticle, the louder he cries.

Today we went to Costco and we thought we had tricked him into falling asleep in the carseat.  Lulled into this false state of thank goodnessness, we lollygagged in the electronics section, meandered over to get a hotdog, and have a conversation in public without any nervous tension.

Then, sputter sputter, hiccup hiccup, the wind up started until he was in a full out wail in the food court of Costco.  If you've ever been to the food court at Costco at noon, you will notice there are about 100 kids, tons of noise, and people with carts piled high with cases of olive oil and flat screen tv's.  

So I mistakenly thought hmmm, this breastfeeding thing is going so well, maybe I could discreetly tuck him under my shirt for a little snacky poo over in the corner and no one would notice.  WRONG.  I looked up and I had about 100 pairs of eyes staring at us with our screaming baby.  Even little kids stopped and stared curiously, like we had one of thier people from the planet all babies and little kids come from and they were observing our treatment of their fellow alien.  Grandparents smiled warmly.  People without kids screwed up their faces and looked at us like we were holding something stinky (we were).  Other parents looked at us with sympathy and every woman with a kid over five looked at us with twitching ovaries and a pang of 'oh, maybe just one more to make the jumbo packs from here worth it."

At any rate, a no go on the public breastfeeding, I am not so bold and groovy.  Thank goodness for tinted backseat windows and a nice quiet parking spot or we'd never get out for more than an hour at a time.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

My top rated baby products so far.

On the Go:

Mamankangourou baby wrapper (or Moby or anything similar)  Thousands of tribal women who carry their babies this way can't be wrong. This item is the only reason I get anything done with two arms.  Ever.  It also masks any leftover baby weight when you have a baby still strapped to you.

Maya Sling (easier in and out than the Kangaroo)

Bundle Me Bag.  No snowsuit required.  Just pop them in with a hat and if they fall asleep in the car you can unzip and let them keep sleeping.  Don't EVER, EVER wake a healthy sleeping baby. 

JJ Cole System Diaper Bag (many thanks Livvie).  (Its barf proof, and just big enough to carry everything without being so huge it needs wheels, and a whole compartment in the front for Mummy stuff like keys and a cell phone and wallet)





Clothes and Sleeping Stuff:

Just warm enough, just cute enough and not too bulky.  One of these with a long sleeve onesie makes for really easy diaper changes in the wee hours.

Any outfit that is stretchy, one piece or a onesie and pants.  
Think loungewear.  Unless you have the lifestyle for lots of 'wardrobe' and social events to show off your baby to people who will appreciate the outfits, babies and kids are most comfortable in jogging pants and pajamas.  Gap has nice onesies and jogging pants.

These are a classic item.  Any soft soled leather slipper will do, actually. (Adam has the Gingerbread Men and Bear slippers)

Diapering:

Motherease One Size Cloth Diapers and 

Standard prefolds used with a 'Snappi'. 
Prefolds also make great burp cloths, house rags, shammies, etc...so if the cloth diaper thing doesn't work out there's 101 uses for them.

Huggies diapers and wipes beat Pampers. 
(Costco is WAY cheaper. ($39 for 224)


Eating and Booby Care:
Born Free bisphenol A free bottles
Medela Microwave Steam Bags (for sterilizing stuff)
If you aren't crazy about whipping out your big National Geographic boobs and would like to be discreet, these are great.  They're cute, they're long enough that they don't ride up and thick enough that they suck in all the baby flab and they support the twins nicely without the mono-boob look.  (buy them here on Ebay (new) for 1/2 what they cost in the fancy baby stores... http://stores.ebay.ca/TheNursingNecessities)



Books and Toys

Sandra Boynton Books - Cute pictures, nice short stories.  Another item that can be found easily on Amazon.ca (new or used) for alot less than retail stores like Chapters.


Good old fashioned retro styled rubber squeaky toy that is easy to grip and slobber proof and they can't hurt themselves on if they bonk themselves with it.

Graco Bounce and Swing  If they aren't into the swing right away, you can use the seat as a bouncer / chair.  Anyone who had bought one of these things and scurried home with it full of hope that their kid will love it only to be met with brain splitting screams before it even gets going know this multi-function thing is a good idea.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Who has the time to be that fabulous?

There should be university credits available for watching HGTV.   After a year of this I should at least have a design degree and a real estate license with the amount of shows that are on.  


I've been taking in ALOT of HGTV, Slice network makeover shows, cooking shows, basically making a "homemaker porn" pig of myself while I'm strapped to the rocking chair nursing an infant who has the appetite of an entire football team.

The reason why I call it 'homemaker porn' is because like the more traditional porn, alot of it is total fantasy.

Design Shows....
Surprise! You open the door and have a couple of magical design fairies (literally and figuratively) throw budget to the wind and renovate your entire house without any input from you or your partner?  I know it would be a fantasy of mine to do whatever I wanted in the house without consulting my husband.  I don't know about most men but mine certainly would want a say in what was done in the house, especially if it meant ditching the ceiling fan and the lazy boy for a tiny armless white settee juxtaposed against a wasp inspired yellow and black floral flocked wallpaper.  The big drama is always "Will they get it done in time?"  As if that is actually drama in the real world where you're satisfied if you can get around to fixing the running toilet on the weekend let alone gutting the whole main floor in 3 days.

Makeover shows.
They take a poor tired schmuck with three kids and tuck her arse into some Spanx, give her $200 highlights and some paint and spackle and stick her in a dry clean only outfit.  I would like to see the same woman three months later when she is back in rural Iowa and has had to go back to her local hairdresser who still cuts mullets and does perms and has to recreate the look from the Victoria Principle collection at Wal Mart and stay at home mom budget.  Or when her and hubby head out to the local Boston Pizza all dolled up in a cocktail dress and $500 sparkle heels that the host assured her she could wear 'anywhere'.    Anywhere in Sydney?  Only if you want to get the snot kicked out of you or for the whole town to talk about how your stupid looking shoes (that you can't hardly walk in, by the way) cost more than they get a week on EI.

Cooking shows.
First you need six burners and professional cookware.  And a big KitchenAid mixer.  And alot of counterspace.  And someone to drag out all of the stuff and measure it out into all those neat little bowls and lay them out for you.  And elves to clean up after you.  And a already cooked one in the oven so when you get bored half way through its already done.  And no kids screaming.  Only then can you dream of making the perfect meal for your friends and family, who will ooh and aah in delight.  Last time I checked most kids bitched about anything other than cheese and chicken nuggets.  Most husbands seem to like nice big hearty stuff they recognize.  You can impress your friends, but only if they don't have kids. Ones with kids are used to inhaling their food as fast as they can before it goes cold or someone has a meltdown There are plenty of guys like my Dad who think rice is "chinese food".  Don't even get me started on the fancy place settings.  When I go somewhere and they've whipped out the good dishes and stuff I feel all underdressed.

Dont' get me wrong.  It won't keep me from watching, its just that now instead of striving for all of that, I find myself thinking "who cares?".   Lucikly, there are a whole new crop of  "Get out of Debt"shows, so after you blow all your money and you're too poor to be out there showing off how fabulous you are, you can sit home and learn how to get out of all the debt you put yourself in.  






Sunday, January 6, 2008

Say Hello To My New Boss...

This is my new boss.  

He's the most demanding boss I've ever had.

I haven't been on the job a month and already he screams at me all of the time, tries to eat my boobs, has peed on me several times and I have to put up with all his shit, at all hours of the day and night...

Good thing he's cute.

Uh oh, I can hear him now.  He's with my co-worker, Daddy.