Pantyhose = Torture.

I hate them I hate them I hate them.

Today its -18 c and you just can't do bare legs in Ottawa in February. Besides that the glare from my super white legs would blind someone - if the winter stubble didn't grate them to pieces first. Today I'm wearing an outfit that necessitates hose (very cute grey flannel cropped pants, a teal sweater and black boots) .

I thought I had it beat. I went out and found the biggest friggen pantyhose I could fine. Plus size 3X-4X - promised to fit up to 325lbs. I figured a good solid 150lbs buffer had to make a difference, I should be able to get a whole other person in there with me. I opened the package and *sigh* once again, they looked like toddler tights. The desire for warmth and style won over comfort.

So I begun. I wrestled one foot in, fell off the bed (I'm not used to silky feet on hardwood) You could almost try to be sexy putting on the first foot/calf part but then it gets real ugly. I crammed my other foot in.

I've got them to my knees. And at this point I'm thinking there is no freakin' way someone heavier than I am could cram themselves into these tights, my knees are bound together tighter than a catholic nuns' at confession and I"m a little tippy. I had to do a few leg extensions to stretch them out before hauling them up to the top of my legs , which are shaped like upside down triangles and freshly moisturized so its about as easy as it was to get tight pants on Barbie's rubber legs back in the day. Like an olympic heavy weightlifter, I hover at the 3/4 mark, take a deep breath and 1, 2 HUP! haul them over my ass. The waist actually stretches up to my ribs.

Then the adjustments begin.

I have to do the 'cellulite dance' to get them arranged so the control top isn't cutting off circulation to my femoral artery, and I don't have a big bulge where the waist cuts me in two. I always either pull them up too high, which makes my toes curl, or not enough and the crotch isn't high enough.

Today, even though the waist was tucked into my bra, the was a crotch not high enough, so I went in for another adjustment and as I hauled them up a little more my finger poked right through the fabric and a bloop! a little blob of fat tried to escape like the air that gets sucked out of the cabin of a plane when the pressure changes.

I though screw it, after all of that I'm wearing them anyway. The waistband is starting to roll down now and I can feel the hole in the leg getting bigger which is like having one shoelace tied tigher than the other. But my legs are warm and my outfit is cute.

Which leads me to my next gripe about pantyhose. The cost. Because I'm not delicate pantyhose last about 10 minutes on me without a snag or run. I've bought expensive ones, cheap ones, high denier, low denier. So everytime I wear a skirt it costs me at least $3.99.

Welcome to my world of pantyhouse dread. Oh how I long for spring and free legs and no more pantyhose jail.