Who has the time to be that fabulous?

There should be university credits available for watching HGTV.   After a year of this I should at least have a design degree and a real estate license with the amount of shows that are on.  

I've been taking in ALOT of HGTV, Slice network makeover shows, cooking shows, basically making a "homemaker porn" pig of myself while I'm strapped to the rocking chair nursing an infant who has the appetite of an entire football team.

The reason why I call it 'homemaker porn' is because like the more traditional porn, alot of it is total fantasy.

Design Shows....

Surprise! You open the door and have a couple of magical design fairies (literally and figuratively) throw budget to the wind and renovate your entire house without any input from you or your partner?  I know it would be a fantasy of mine to do whatever I wanted in the house without consulting my husband.  I don't know about most men but mine certainly would want a say in what was done in the house, especially if it meant ditching the ceiling fan and the lazy boy for a tiny armless white settee juxtaposed against a wasp inspired yellow and black floral flocked wallpaper.  The big drama is always "Will they get it done in time?"  As if that is actually drama in the real world where you're satisfied if you can get around to fixing the running toilet on the weekend let alone gutting the whole main floor in 3 days.

Makeover shows.

They take a poor tired schmuck with three kids and tuck her arse into some Spanx, give her $200 highlights and some paint and spackle and stick her in a dry clean only outfit.  I would like to see the same woman three months later when she is back in rural Iowa and has had to go back to her local hairdresser who still cuts mullets and does perms and has to recreate the look from the Victoria Principle collection at Wal Mart and stay at home mom budget.  Or when her and hubby head out to the local Boston Pizza all dolled up in a cocktail dress and $500 sparkle heels that the host assured her she could wear 'anywhere'.    Anywhere in Sydney?  Only if you want to get the snot kicked out of you or for the whole town to talk about how your stupid looking shoes (that you can't hardly walk in, by the way) cost more than they get a week on EI.

Cooking shows.

First you need six burners and professional cookware.  And a big KitchenAid mixer.  And alot of counterspace.  And someone to drag out all of the stuff and measure it out into all those neat little bowls and lay them out for you.  And elves to clean up after you.  And a already cooked one in the oven so when you get bored half way through its already done.  And no kids screaming.  Only then can you dream of making the perfect meal for your friends and family, who will ooh and aah in delight.  Last time I checked most kids bitched about anything other than cheese and chicken nuggets.  Most husbands seem to like nice big hearty stuff they recognize.  You can impress your friends, but only if they don't have kids. Ones with kids are used to inhaling their food as fast as they can before it goes cold or someone has a meltdown There are plenty of guys like my Dad who think rice is "chinese food".  Don't even get me started on the fancy place settings.  When I go somewhere and they've whipped out the good dishes and stuff I feel all underdressed.

Dont' get me wrong.  It won't keep me from watching, its just that now instead of striving for all of that, I find myself thinking "who cares?".   Lucikly, there are a whole new crop of  "Get out of Debt"shows, so after you blow all your money and you're too poor to be out there showing off how fabulous you are, you can sit home and learn how to get out of all the debt you put yourself in.